So… my first memory was kneeling on a couch with my dad as a toddler asking Jesus to save me from hell. Although it was a touching and loving moment that my father would care for his son to be safe, I have learned that this “fear of hell” thing has really taken over my life.
Being sent to “Jesus Camps” where they tell Christians “You may be a Christian on Sundays, but on Monday you’re already backsliding”. So, go ahead, fuck with my brain to know that I’ll never completely good enough. Go ahead and forget about that whole grace thing, that was only useful to turn you into a sheep.
I refuse to limit my God to 2000 and something pages. I refuse to allow myself to walk with paranoia anymore.
Recently I had to admit that I have issues with co-dependency. I felt like if I wan’t being validated by somebody, somewhere, then clearly I was already on the slippery slope to hell. Kind of a big burden for people to have to put up with around me.
If a random stranger doesn’t treat me right, do I immediately think I’m a terrible person? No. I immediately am confident in the fact that I deserve respect and fair treatment. Why does this mentality change among people I am close to?
I would imagine that fear comes with the fond feelings I have for the other people. I am constantly afraid that I will be sent to hell and forced to live without these people, and if I don’t have these people, then who will validate me?
Sounds like its a time to be comfortable in my own skin. To recognize I already am makes a difference, because I do. There are people that I love dearly, and to everybody reading this that have to put up with me: I love you. And thank you for the patience.
I’m a great guy, no question. Time I started seeing that guy in the mirror too.