The Dark Raven

Post-modern world. A world of suburbia. A world where man has trouble defining what the hell his gender is supposed to be doing in this culture.

You know what I’ve decided? I’m supposed to be doing whatever I can. I don’t care if it’s baking a pie, or changing a tire. I’m a man that is ambitious and capable, dammit. I’m passionate about the idea my forefathers had (In Texas). I’m understanding of the failure of that vision. I’m realizing that going out camping isn’t as close to nature as a movie theater is.

We ARE nature. We are of the same carbon fibers existing. Sure, that God that roams around is giving life in all of us. I’d consider that the holy spirit, but Christians say that only existed after Pentecost. Fuck Christians. They haven’t gotten the Bible right since 350AD. There have been scores of people that say “there must be more than this!” And THERE IS.

So… my first memory was kneeling on a couch with my dad as a toddler asking Jesus to save me from hell. Although it was a touching and loving moment that my father would care for his son to be safe, I have learned that this “fear of hell” thing has really taken over my life.

Being sent to “Jesus Camps” where they tell Christians “You may be a Christian on Sundays, but on Monday you’re already backsliding”. So, go ahead, fuck with my brain to know that I’ll never completely good enough. Go ahead and forget about that whole grace thing, that was only useful to turn you into a sheep.

I refuse to limit my God to 2000 and something pages. I refuse to allow myself to walk with paranoia anymore.

Recently I had to admit that I have issues with co-dependency. I felt like if I wan’t being validated by somebody, somewhere, then clearly I was already on the slippery slope to hell. Kind of a big burden for people to have to put up with around me.

If a random stranger doesn’t treat me right, do I immediately think I’m a terrible person? No. I immediately am confident in the fact that I deserve respect and fair treatment. Why does this mentality change among people I am close to?

I would imagine that fear comes with the fond feelings I have for the other people. I am constantly afraid that I will be sent to hell and forced to live without these people, and if I don’t have these people, then who will validate me?

Sounds like its a time to be comfortable in my own skin. To recognize I already am makes a difference, because I do. There are people that I love dearly, and to everybody reading this that have to put up with me: I love you. And thank you for the patience.

I’m a great guy, no question. Time I started seeing that guy in the mirror too.

I feel that I am embarking upon a long lourney. A journey that may actually make sense in the end, but show nothing but blur and mist until I reach it. I seek Gode, and God’s love. How do we interpret the gender of a being that is not human? Why do we attribute human qualities to a God that is beyond human constraints? Isn’t this an entinity that created “man” before “man” existed?

Maybe because our human nature viewed the male as a dominant gender. Therefore, a dominant being would be described as male.

Why did God choose to be Jesus? Maybe because nobody would have listened otherwise. But are the people really listening?

I went to church for Easter. I saw the many crosses hanging up. I had remembered the idea of “iconoclasm” from history, but had never seen it with my own eyes.

I reject the idea of worshipping a cross. I reject the idea of worshipping things. Worshipping singular instances in humanity that is less than 40 years.

I read a book called “Ishmael”. It was very interesting how the Gorilla philospher, simply like Jesus, did not seek to abolish the law but look at the way the law can be interpreted. 

You see, wisdom looks to me more like acceptance of ignorance than the conquering of ignorance. It seems that the more a person accepts their present ignorance. I currently believe, as this logic presumes, the more a person gives up control of the answers, the more wisdom they allow into their lives.

So what is the answer? I don’t know! hahahhahahaha